The Right thing has now become the wrong thing.

When I set out to do the right thing in leaving one person for another person, I really felt that I was doing the right thing. And for a time, things went just fine. Then everything derailed, culminating in my being dumped this afternoon. While one never takes very kindly to being dumped, I am especially angry this time.
What angers me is that for weeks, things were fine as they were: us together, but not dating. We were getting along wonderfully. Then he asks me to date him. One week later: nothing. No phone calls, no texts, no answer. I will never understand why a man thinks it's perfectly alright to go for long periods of time without at least letting the woman who cares about you know you are still alive. So it was only natural that I try to find out what is wrong. Suddenly I become "a bother" and am told that he " is a solitare creature and self sufficient", and that everything that happened with me was a mistake. How "self-sufficient" was he when he was hanging all over me like his life depended on it and holding me like he would never let me go?
I have a few choice words for him, though he may never read them:
You. Are. A. Bastard. It's a fine thing to say that you don't want anything serious, then turn around and make things more serious between us. That is your own damn fault! I want to know how I was a mistake when you were the one who couldn't get me out of your mind. It was just fine to hold me, kiss me, and everything else that went along with it, but the minute your sorry ass began to feel anthing resembling a genuine emotion, you run and give the lame "I'm just not over my ex wife" and "We are just not compatible" bullshit. I hope you are happy being alone you little prick, because alone is how you should stay! You could never really love some one because you are too afraid of having a real emotion.
Furthermore, I'm sorry I ever met you, sorry I ever had feelings for you, sorry that I ever let you come anywhere near me! You got exactly what you wanted from me and threw me away. You are just damn luck that don't tell everyone exactly what you are. Goodbye to you, you asshole, and if you ever decide to come around here again, it better be on your knees, begging for forgiveness!

The right thing: Is it always worth it?

Today I did what I considered to be the right thing. I know it was the right thing deep down, but now I question why doing the right thing is always the most important.
I began dating some one, doing what I thought was the right thing for me. I tried to convince myself that the feelings I had, the kind of love I had, for this person was a romantic kind of love. I have spent the last month trying to live up to that feeling I wanted to believe I had, while this person fell in love with me.
I began to rethink how I was feeling in the last week or so and then I did something I have never done in my life. I cheated. I'm not proud that I cheated, far from it. I'm ashamed that I betrayed some one's trust in me. But I'm also wise enough to know that I wasn't happy and I needed to correct my action by doing the right thing in leaving.
I did just that today, in what I thought was the right way: face to face. I am an old fashioned person at heart I suppose, I don't believe in dumping some one in by email, letter or text message. I know this from experience in being dumped via email: It is the cowards way out. Now I wish I had taken it. I never meant to hurt him, but I know my leaving him did and he was already a very vulnerable person to begin with. I tried explaining that I just didn't love him the way that he loved me, that I loved being his friend, but I just couldn't be his girlfriend. What I got was a guy crying at some moments, and cursing me at others. I take full responsibility for breaking up with him, I was the right thing to do, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him the reason was I cheated. I just couldn't bear to hurt him any more than I already had.
Which brings me to the question: Why is it that the right thing is what hurts the most? Is the right thing always worth it? Should I have stayed and hurt him worse in the future? I know for sure I would have cheated again and that is definitely not the right thing to do. The easiest thing to say is that I should never have become involved with him in the first place, but hindsight is always 20/20.
I am sorry that I cheated, I'm sorry that I hurt him, and I'm so very sorry that I ruined what could have been a good friendship because I did not listen to that little voice that tried to tell me things just weren't right.  I know time will ease it a bit, but in the end, I'm glad that I did the right thing: he deserved better.

I just don't know sometimes.

I hate when I just don't understand something or some one. I want to know how something is my fault when I don't know what I've done! I hate feeling like I have to apologize when it's not my fault. I realize he has some problems, or maybe he's just an ass, but that doesn't excuse him for swearing at me and just being rude. If you don't want to talk about something, don't swear at the person trying to change the bleeping subject like you asked! I don't like feeling confused, I've been there before, and it's no fun. I can only hope that he gets his act together or he's going to lose my time and attention forever. He's already lost some of my respect. I hope to God he gets his kit together and we can work it out. If not, it's G'day mate!

I wonder

Sometimes I just sit and wonder, or in most cases I let my mind wander. I am not trying to solve life's great mysteries, cure a deadly disease, or even how I might manage to stand up on ice skates and play hockey without killing myself. What I wonder about is love. Sometimes I wonder if it's real, if it lasts, and if it's possible to fall in love with some one so different from yourself and make it work.
By now I know what love is not, and it only took me 29 1/2 years and a half dozen failed relationships to get there. I know that when some one loves you, even if they try not to hurt your feelings, they will, and you'll do the same to them. Even if you love each other you will eventually be annoyed with each other. I guess the trick is to not let that annoyance eat you alive.
I've learned that the minute things go from normal to weird/scary: you run like hell. Cause in that split second you decide not to run, you're ass is toast and you have to fight like hell to get back to where you were. That is if you can.
I've also learned that you should trust your instincts. If you feel like something is wrong, don't brush it aside. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had just trusted my instinct that I was being cheated on, rather than pushing it aside. But love they say is blind: I say it needs corrective vision surgery.
Now what I think love is may sound sort of stupid to most people. I think it is that you care enough for a person to be willing to set aside your own dreams to make theirs come true, or at least alter your goals to make sure you are both happy. You get a sudden chest pain when you think of them being sick or hurt and would do anything (even die) in their place. When you hurt them, and you will, you didn't really mean it, and are willing to spend the rest of your life trying to make up for it.
That's what I think, now just to find out if it exists with the guy I think and dream about most often.

Curious thoughts

Sometimes I wonder why life gives me ups and downs in rapid order, or for that matter causes ups and downs in my friend's lives in relation to mine. A friend I care deeply about loses his job just as I learn that I am finally getting a job I have always wanted. I feel so badly for this friend even as I am excited to start my new job. I wonder why when everyone around me had no one, I had some one I loved, but when he fell out of love with me, everyone had some one. I often feel that I'm opperating on a different plane, that I must watch everyone around me get what makes them happy all at once, while I have to wait what seems like forever for one thing. I realize it comes down to patience and faith, even when I'm not known for my patience. I think I have the faith, but I really just want to be happy and content. I don't want much: some one to love, some one to love me, a job that doesn't drive me out of my skull, and a place to think my own thoughts without interruption. But I wouldn't say no to a VW bug in place of some of that!

Life plays funny tricks on you.

There are just those moments in life that take you completely by surprise. Sometimes it can be wonderful, sometimes awful, and sometimes you just don't know what to think. It's kind of like the slot machine of emotions, in pulling the handle you hope for the greatest outcome and wind up losing your shirt. I had one of those experiences tonight, but it wasn't quite as bad as one might think.
I met up with some one I've had mixed emotions about meeting for quite some time. Half of me wanted to see him just to prove a point to myself, and half of me wanted to see if anything is left.
What I got was a mixture of both. Mostly that this person hasn't changed his opinion on some of the things I hold most dear, going to the point of making fun of it and making the reference that "any man who liked it had to be gay". Not exactly the best way to make some one see your point of view! While this is nothing new from this person, it just saddens me that it's just so petty, even if he may have meant it as a joke.
What did surprise me is the amount of anger I still had in my system. I was angry even in the midst of me feeling a bit of sympathy for this person. But then I'd get angry all over again, thinking about how much I hurt.
I'm sure I'll be able to work all my anger out eventually, but it's going to be a long process. I'm sorry just doesn't seem to make things better. Reminds me of a quote from John Wayne "Sorry doesn't get it done".
I'm definitely made of much stronger stuff than anyone ever suspected. I found that while I may bend for some one, I will never really break.