Quotes I happen to love, even if no one else does

There are many things people quote everyday, sayings that last and have meaning to so many. These are not those quotes, but I love them anyway:

"Iceberg? I don't see no stinking iceberg!" Lookout on the Titanic.

"Soitenly" Curly Howard.

"The whole thing stinks like yesterday's diapers." Baby Herman, "Who Framed Rodger Rabbit"

"There ain't that many Indians, we can take'm men!" George Armstrong Custer

"Ladies and Gentleman, take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice." Sidney Friedman, M*A*S*H.

"There's no crying in Baseball!" Tom Hanks, "A League of Their Own"

"I tawt I saw a Puddy Tat!" Tweety

" I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque!" Buggs Bunny.

'Ha Ha! Victory is mine!" Stewie.

"We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the streets and on the landing ground. We will never surrender. Give use the tools and we will finish the job." Winston Churchill.

"Good-bye Ferret Face!" Hawkeye Peirce, BJ Hunnicut, Sherman Potter, Radar O'Riely, M*A*S*H.

and finally "Don' you know about Bumbles? Bumbles' Bounce!" Yukon Cornelius.

Spring has sprung, God help those with allergies

Spring is here, and while I welcome the warmer weather and the removal of several layers of long underwear, I have to admit I will miss the one benefit of Old Man Winter: NO ALLERGIES. I love the fact that between October and April there is no horrible smell of fresh cut grass to make a person sneeze, no pollen floating on a warming breeze, no reawakening of pesky mosquitoes to bite me, and on spring cleaning to make the dust as thick as pea soup. The flowers are pretty, but artificial ones are so much friendlier to an allergy sufferer. Summer only brings unbearable heat, tornadoes, and endless, mundane picnics to dull the senses. Fall is a time of cleanup, and rejoicing at the up coming Winter season. Spring is just a pain. Sorry to all your spring lovers, but Spring just sucks.

Things I have always wondered about

There are a few things I still wonder about in my "old age". I wonder who closes the door when the bus driver gets off? If the prince climbed up Rapunzel's hair, how did they both get back down? What exactly makes Jello solid and why doesn't it melt once it's set? If people who have a ton of children are said to breed like rabbits, then do people who have very few children breed like elephants? Why do we save the whales but exterminate the termites, roaches, and ants? Is it that size matters or the number of legs and cute quality of the species? Why is no mouse flavored cat food? Why not have a mailman flavored dog food? I mean, they go after them anyway, so why not nip it in the bud? If God was so good at creating things, then why did he make so may bugs and not enough mammals? If he could make birds fly, why couldn't he make pigs? And if man was suppose to be the most intelligent species created by God, WHY DO WE HAVE TO LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES? I really don't claim to have all the answers, but sometimes these things keep me awake at night. I guess I'm just weird, but if anyone could answer that Jello question it would really take a load off my mind.

Assholes in the workplace

If there is one thing that I cannot stand it is assholes in the workplace. And there is no bigger asshole in this world than the owner of a certain hardware store I know. This ignorant, self absorbed, insensitive, money-grubbing, jackass really thinks he knows how to run a business, but all he really manages to do is shoot his mouth off and alienate the people who would be willing to help him. He is a user; he goes through people the way that shit goes through a goose. He is only interested in what he can get, rather than what he can give. I’m not saying that he should be a charity bank, but he should think a little more about how he treats other, because it is going to come back and bite him in the ass one day. And all I can say is the sooner the better! If you happen to see this short, fat, big nosed, ill tempered, self absorbed cretin, tell him I hope he rots in hell for what he did to Heinrick Cotton!!!!!!!!

Fifty is a wonderful number

Fifty is a wonderful number isn't it? I mean fifty dollars is a great birthday gift, or even finding it in the sidewalk is great. Having fifty of something can be a great abundance, provided it's like fifty pounds of chocolate or something. Paying fifty cents for something is considered a great bargin. So why is it a bad thing when it comes to age? Most AMericans dread the half century mark and cherish the quarter century mark instead. I have often wondered why. I will proudly proclaim to all my loyal readers that my folks are turning the big 5-0 and I am having the time of my life plotting and planning to rib them about it. I had a friend of my fathers put a baby picture of him up, larger than life on the church jumbo screen, proclaiming that he can now seriously consider the mail being sent to him by the AARP! And who knows what lurks in my evil brain for my mother's milestone? Only the Shadow knows! Wah hahahahahahahaha!

How Much is enough

I really want to know how much is enough. How many men and women are going to have to die in Iraq before we give up? What we are doing isn't working, it's never going to work, so let's cut our losses and let them blow each other up. I don't want to lose any childhood friends and I certainly do not want to see the draft re-instituted to make up for the numbers of soldiers who died for a cause no one really believes in anyway. Did we not learn anything from the Korean and Vietnam wars? We really should mind our own business and let the United Nations do it's job. I honestly believe that America should learn to talk first and shoot second. Just because we have a huge arsenal of weapons doesn't mean that we should use them on who ever, when ever, where ever. When I hear about American bombs accidentally landing on a school or hospital, it makes me feel ashamed to be an American. Little children deserve to learn and recover from illnesses in peace and quiet, not a war zone. I honestly beleive that there are reasons for fighting, but just to boost the economy and to try and bring credit to two ill-gotten presidential terms is not one of them. May be I am out of line to some people, but the beauty of the first amendment is that I have the right to say what I wish without the fear of penalties. If you really don't like what I have to say, tough cheese, read something else.

Fashion rules continued

In response to my last fashion rules I have a few additions.

8. If you have large breasts please wear a bra that fits properly, or any bra for that matter. NO one really needs to see your breasts bouncing like three year olds on a trampoline.

9. If it is raining, wear a rain coat or carry an umbrella. Use them. No one really needs to think that you were just a contestant in a wet T-shirt contest.

10. If you are gifted with girth in the neather regions say no to the tight jeans. No one wants to imagine the amount of lard it took to get you into those jeans or about the horror that will be inflicted on humanity if the seams should bust.

11. If you are more than three months pregnant say no to wearing a bikini while at the beach. People will call the beach patrol in order to have the whale rescued or have some one arrested for cruelty to animals.

12. If you are pregnant, please avoid bib overalls. WHile you may think the look is cute and motherly, grocery store security is sure to stop you for trying to steal hams.

13. If you are pregant please avoid wearing hawaiian print shirts. I know every one wants to save the rain forest, but imagine all the rainforest dyes it took to create that monster.

Finally, so every one doesn't think I am just making fun of large people and pregnant women here is one for the skinny people.

14. If you are extremely skinny and it is winter, wear a coat! No one really needs to watch your breasts contract to higher ground and besides you don't have enough body fat to keep you warm anyway.

Again I am not a fashion expert, I just call them as I see them and appaled by them