The low days out weight the high days

Nowadays the low days seem to out weight the high days in my life. Sure I wake up in the morning and stare at the ceiling, trying to convince myself that it's going to be a good day, that things will be great at work, I'll find something great, or get wonderful news, but more often than not I go to bed still trying to convince myself. 

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a boring person. I love things that bore other people to tears, like documentaries on the Second World War, or my constant crocheting, but I like those things and I see no reason to change. 

I guess I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying even though I know I shouldn't give up. I'm tired of failing even though I know that is how we learn. I've learned quite a bit about failure lately. I've failed to get the jobs I really wanted, even though I was qualified and did my best at the interviews. I've failed at relationship after relationship, walking away from one because it just wasn't right, and getting tossed aside because the other person was too scared. I really want something that doesn't seem to be happening. I thought months ago that I was finally going to have a person back in my life the way things were before, but it feels like he is only interested when I'm not available. When I am available, he doesn't know what he wants, or he wants things to stay just as they are. Sometimes I feel like I'm just good enough when there is nothing else going on or I'm a place holder while they're working on something they think is better. I'm tired of being an afterthought, last resort, or forgotten in the shuffle. 

I'm also very tired of being snapped at for things that happened by accident, especially by people who aren't even around. I make one mistake in asking a question and they fly off the handle and stop talking to me. I've got news for them: you are only hurting yourself.

I know things have to change sometime, I just am so impatient for them to actually change. I'm doing what I can, but I'm so sick of appearing to stand still!

New love, confusing love.

Lately I've been confused about some things, actually just one thing: I wonder if I am capable of loving again. It's like I want love, crave affection, and yet I am scared to death that I am going to be hurt again.
I recently began seeing some one new, the first person since my break up in October, and I really like him, but I'm afraid of being hurt or hurting him. At first things seemed great, but in the last week or so, things have been strained. I feel this need to be with him, yet be apart from him in order to maintain my own identity. I have a very hard time believing that he won't run from me or throw me away. It also frustrates me that I can't get a read on his emotions. It's like trying to guess what is in a Christmas present and being extremely scared that some one bought you sea monkeys or socks instead of a diamond ring or ice skates.
He also confuses the heck out of me. One minute things are fine, and the next it feels like he's shut down or is blocking and I can't get through to him. He also says the same thing about me and I may be, I don't know.
I just know I hate feeling like I disappoint him and make him angry when I don't go to see him when I have the free time, but then I'm angry at myself for being late for things when I do spend time with him and I feel like I'm disappointing other people. I wonder if it's me, but I don't want to be just me.
I do know that it feels so nice when he holds me, kisses me, laughs and gently teases me. I love that part, I just don't like feeling this confused. I wonder if it will every really go away or if I'm just fooling myself once again.

When does something nice become something more

I'm not one to believe all the fairy tales about Prince Charming and Happily ever after (No I have not been watching Shrek), I'm more of a realist when it comes to love. Well most of the time. I haven't had a good track record in the last couple of years and I'm working to correct this flaw. That is why I wonder when exactly is it when something nice turns into something more?
I've been talking with a guy friend from a very long time ago, well he still is my friend, it's just that we once/twice dated nearly 20 years ago. Since then we have been good friends for as often as we see each other, which surprisingly in this dead one horse town amounts to about once or twice a year. With the advent of Face book it has become easier to talk without actually being in the same room.
This has led to something akin to dancing in a minefield while wearing track spikes. Sooner or later one of you is going to step wrong and BOOM! The first misstep was was nearly two years ago when we were suppose to attend a football game at the local high school. This counts as the cheapest date one can half in this backwater without splurging for a fishing license and a foam container of night crawlers. He backed out at the last minute, leaving me high and dry with $6.00 wasted on a ticket. Not only did he back out, he RAN, disappeared for weeks online and in real life. I didn't feel hurt after about the first 24 hours, but man was I angry.
Fast forward two years and once again we are engaged in the same dance and I'm left wondering something. If we can so easily fall into this pattern of flirting and planning to hang out as friends, how do things backfire so easily? When, if ever will it become something more? If I am left holding the bag again can the friendship that we've shared for 20 some years survive or should I just give up? One thing is for sure, I'm going to have to nail his sneakers to the floor to keep him from running again until I can at least find out if our being so nice to each other can grow. I'm not looking to move fast (that will just end in disaster again) but quite honestly, I'm being lapped by a two-toed sloth right now.

The Right thing has now become the wrong thing.

When I set out to do the right thing in leaving one person for another person, I really felt that I was doing the right thing. And for a time, things went just fine. Then everything derailed, culminating in my being dumped this afternoon. While one never takes very kindly to being dumped, I am especially angry this time.
What angers me is that for weeks, things were fine as they were: us together, but not dating. We were getting along wonderfully. Then he asks me to date him. One week later: nothing. No phone calls, no texts, no answer. I will never understand why a man thinks it's perfectly alright to go for long periods of time without at least letting the woman who cares about you know you are still alive. So it was only natural that I try to find out what is wrong. Suddenly I become "a bother" and am told that he " is a solitare creature and self sufficient", and that everything that happened with me was a mistake. How "self-sufficient" was he when he was hanging all over me like his life depended on it and holding me like he would never let me go?
I have a few choice words for him, though he may never read them:
You. Are. A. Bastard. It's a fine thing to say that you don't want anything serious, then turn around and make things more serious between us. That is your own damn fault! I want to know how I was a mistake when you were the one who couldn't get me out of your mind. It was just fine to hold me, kiss me, and everything else that went along with it, but the minute your sorry ass began to feel anthing resembling a genuine emotion, you run and give the lame "I'm just not over my ex wife" and "We are just not compatible" bullshit. I hope you are happy being alone you little prick, because alone is how you should stay! You could never really love some one because you are too afraid of having a real emotion.
Furthermore, I'm sorry I ever met you, sorry I ever had feelings for you, sorry that I ever let you come anywhere near me! You got exactly what you wanted from me and threw me away. You are just damn luck that don't tell everyone exactly what you are. Goodbye to you, you asshole, and if you ever decide to come around here again, it better be on your knees, begging for forgiveness!

The right thing: Is it always worth it?

Today I did what I considered to be the right thing. I know it was the right thing deep down, but now I question why doing the right thing is always the most important.
I began dating some one, doing what I thought was the right thing for me. I tried to convince myself that the feelings I had, the kind of love I had, for this person was a romantic kind of love. I have spent the last month trying to live up to that feeling I wanted to believe I had, while this person fell in love with me.
I began to rethink how I was feeling in the last week or so and then I did something I have never done in my life. I cheated. I'm not proud that I cheated, far from it. I'm ashamed that I betrayed some one's trust in me. But I'm also wise enough to know that I wasn't happy and I needed to correct my action by doing the right thing in leaving.
I did just that today, in what I thought was the right way: face to face. I am an old fashioned person at heart I suppose, I don't believe in dumping some one in by email, letter or text message. I know this from experience in being dumped via email: It is the cowards way out. Now I wish I had taken it. I never meant to hurt him, but I know my leaving him did and he was already a very vulnerable person to begin with. I tried explaining that I just didn't love him the way that he loved me, that I loved being his friend, but I just couldn't be his girlfriend. What I got was a guy crying at some moments, and cursing me at others. I take full responsibility for breaking up with him, I was the right thing to do, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him the reason was I cheated. I just couldn't bear to hurt him any more than I already had.
Which brings me to the question: Why is it that the right thing is what hurts the most? Is the right thing always worth it? Should I have stayed and hurt him worse in the future? I know for sure I would have cheated again and that is definitely not the right thing to do. The easiest thing to say is that I should never have become involved with him in the first place, but hindsight is always 20/20.
I am sorry that I cheated, I'm sorry that I hurt him, and I'm so very sorry that I ruined what could have been a good friendship because I did not listen to that little voice that tried to tell me things just weren't right.  I know time will ease it a bit, but in the end, I'm glad that I did the right thing: he deserved better.

I just don't know sometimes.

I hate when I just don't understand something or some one. I want to know how something is my fault when I don't know what I've done! I hate feeling like I have to apologize when it's not my fault. I realize he has some problems, or maybe he's just an ass, but that doesn't excuse him for swearing at me and just being rude. If you don't want to talk about something, don't swear at the person trying to change the bleeping subject like you asked! I don't like feeling confused, I've been there before, and it's no fun. I can only hope that he gets his act together or he's going to lose my time and attention forever. He's already lost some of my respect. I hope to God he gets his kit together and we can work it out. If not, it's G'day mate!

I wonder

Sometimes I just sit and wonder, or in most cases I let my mind wander. I am not trying to solve life's great mysteries, cure a deadly disease, or even how I might manage to stand up on ice skates and play hockey without killing myself. What I wonder about is love. Sometimes I wonder if it's real, if it lasts, and if it's possible to fall in love with some one so different from yourself and make it work.
By now I know what love is not, and it only took me 29 1/2 years and a half dozen failed relationships to get there. I know that when some one loves you, even if they try not to hurt your feelings, they will, and you'll do the same to them. Even if you love each other you will eventually be annoyed with each other. I guess the trick is to not let that annoyance eat you alive.
I've learned that the minute things go from normal to weird/scary: you run like hell. Cause in that split second you decide not to run, you're ass is toast and you have to fight like hell to get back to where you were. That is if you can.
I've also learned that you should trust your instincts. If you feel like something is wrong, don't brush it aside. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had just trusted my instinct that I was being cheated on, rather than pushing it aside. But love they say is blind: I say it needs corrective vision surgery.
Now what I think love is may sound sort of stupid to most people. I think it is that you care enough for a person to be willing to set aside your own dreams to make theirs come true, or at least alter your goals to make sure you are both happy. You get a sudden chest pain when you think of them being sick or hurt and would do anything (even die) in their place. When you hurt them, and you will, you didn't really mean it, and are willing to spend the rest of your life trying to make up for it.
That's what I think, now just to find out if it exists with the guy I think and dream about most often.