The low days out weight the high days

Nowadays the low days seem to out weight the high days in my life. Sure I wake up in the morning and stare at the ceiling, trying to convince myself that it's going to be a good day, that things will be great at work, I'll find something great, or get wonderful news, but more often than not I go to bed still trying to convince myself. 

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a boring person. I love things that bore other people to tears, like documentaries on the Second World War, or my constant crocheting, but I like those things and I see no reason to change. 

I guess I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying even though I know I shouldn't give up. I'm tired of failing even though I know that is how we learn. I've learned quite a bit about failure lately. I've failed to get the jobs I really wanted, even though I was qualified and did my best at the interviews. I've failed at relationship after relationship, walking away from one because it just wasn't right, and getting tossed aside because the other person was too scared. I really want something that doesn't seem to be happening. I thought months ago that I was finally going to have a person back in my life the way things were before, but it feels like he is only interested when I'm not available. When I am available, he doesn't know what he wants, or he wants things to stay just as they are. Sometimes I feel like I'm just good enough when there is nothing else going on or I'm a place holder while they're working on something they think is better. I'm tired of being an afterthought, last resort, or forgotten in the shuffle. 

I'm also very tired of being snapped at for things that happened by accident, especially by people who aren't even around. I make one mistake in asking a question and they fly off the handle and stop talking to me. I've got news for them: you are only hurting yourself.

I know things have to change sometime, I just am so impatient for them to actually change. I'm doing what I can, but I'm so sick of appearing to stand still!

New love, confusing love.

Lately I've been confused about some things, actually just one thing: I wonder if I am capable of loving again. It's like I want love, crave affection, and yet I am scared to death that I am going to be hurt again.
I recently began seeing some one new, the first person since my break up in October, and I really like him, but I'm afraid of being hurt or hurting him. At first things seemed great, but in the last week or so, things have been strained. I feel this need to be with him, yet be apart from him in order to maintain my own identity. I have a very hard time believing that he won't run from me or throw me away. It also frustrates me that I can't get a read on his emotions. It's like trying to guess what is in a Christmas present and being extremely scared that some one bought you sea monkeys or socks instead of a diamond ring or ice skates.
He also confuses the heck out of me. One minute things are fine, and the next it feels like he's shut down or is blocking and I can't get through to him. He also says the same thing about me and I may be, I don't know.
I just know I hate feeling like I disappoint him and make him angry when I don't go to see him when I have the free time, but then I'm angry at myself for being late for things when I do spend time with him and I feel like I'm disappointing other people. I wonder if it's me, but I don't want to be just me.
I do know that it feels so nice when he holds me, kisses me, laughs and gently teases me. I love that part, I just don't like feeling this confused. I wonder if it will every really go away or if I'm just fooling myself once again.

When does something nice become something more

I'm not one to believe all the fairy tales about Prince Charming and Happily ever after (No I have not been watching Shrek), I'm more of a realist when it comes to love. Well most of the time. I haven't had a good track record in the last couple of years and I'm working to correct this flaw. That is why I wonder when exactly is it when something nice turns into something more?
I've been talking with a guy friend from a very long time ago, well he still is my friend, it's just that we once/twice dated nearly 20 years ago. Since then we have been good friends for as often as we see each other, which surprisingly in this dead one horse town amounts to about once or twice a year. With the advent of Face book it has become easier to talk without actually being in the same room.
This has led to something akin to dancing in a minefield while wearing track spikes. Sooner or later one of you is going to step wrong and BOOM! The first misstep was was nearly two years ago when we were suppose to attend a football game at the local high school. This counts as the cheapest date one can half in this backwater without splurging for a fishing license and a foam container of night crawlers. He backed out at the last minute, leaving me high and dry with $6.00 wasted on a ticket. Not only did he back out, he RAN, disappeared for weeks online and in real life. I didn't feel hurt after about the first 24 hours, but man was I angry.
Fast forward two years and once again we are engaged in the same dance and I'm left wondering something. If we can so easily fall into this pattern of flirting and planning to hang out as friends, how do things backfire so easily? When, if ever will it become something more? If I am left holding the bag again can the friendship that we've shared for 20 some years survive or should I just give up? One thing is for sure, I'm going to have to nail his sneakers to the floor to keep him from running again until I can at least find out if our being so nice to each other can grow. I'm not looking to move fast (that will just end in disaster again) but quite honestly, I'm being lapped by a two-toed sloth right now.